Enough

(Disclaimer: this isn’t a cry for validation or platitudes, it’s merely a musing on something I’ve noticed about myself over the past few years)

Every year at this time, a feeling of maudlin insecurity creeps into my mind. I begin to feel that greedy monster called Comparison unpack his bags, and his friends Insecurity and Self-Doubt start to make regular house calls. I like to think of August as my month of throwing Pity-Parties-For-One.

I start to question everything. I wonder whether I am a good mother, or a good wife. I wonder where I fit with my friends. I wish I was as thin as one, or as fit as another, or as pretty, or as friendly, or as smart, or as fun. I feel envious, and unsure of my place.

I feel nostalgic, and wonder what life would have been like if we’d stayed living in London. I feel regret for things I did or didn’t do when I was younger, especially around my choice of study. I’m insecure about everything, and I re-play conversations in my head, wondering if I said the wrong thing, or interrupted too often, or said too much. I long for things I used to have, or wish I had; material things, as well as things like daffodils, perfect vision, a tan.DaffodilsI know I do it, and I know why I do it. I’m tired. I’m over winter, and it’s almost my birthday. I know that these feelings will subside in a short space of time and that I’m being self-indulgent, but I allow myself to wallow in this self-pity for a bit, because I know that in all reality, I AM enough. I know that comparison is unnecessary, unhealthy, and unhelpful, and so I give myself a mental slap on the face and after a while, that monster and his friends pack quietly and go, threatening to return in a year’s time.

Does anyone else feel this way as their birthday approaches, or is it just me?

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19 thoughts on “Enough

  1. I hear ya love. Mine’s not so much a birthday thing, but it does sneak up on me from time to time. Comparison is the thief of joy for sure. Mine has reared it’s ugly head over being a working mama on many an occasion, and on whether my kids are having too much screen time and…and… and…The good thing is that you recognise it for what it is, and that it is a season and one that you can send packing pretty swiftly. Love ya xx

  2. I hear you. Not on or around my birthday, though. Instead it’s the drudgery of winter & being indoors so much starts to play maudlin games. I hope your pity-party season is a short one. ❀

    • Me, too, not around a birthday but around mid-winter when it’s been cold and wet for several months already and a few months are still ahead. Sun doesn’t get up quite soon enough, and it sets too early. I spend too much time indoors and in front of screens, on Pinterest, on blogs.

      • I’ve been very lazy lately – I know I need to make the most of getting out when I can during winter, especially if I can include some exercise in being outside. So this week, while it has been sunny & cold, I’ve insisted that we (that’d be me & the kids) go for walks around our neighbourhood. It’s been helping. And now that the Miss can scooter, it means we can go a bit further and only have one child complaining that their legs are falling off. πŸ˜‰

        SAD is more of a problem than people perhaps know or acknowledge.

  3. Yup! I think it’s very common. I constantly compare myself and feel like I don’t measure up. I agonise over decisions we’ve made and the same with conversations etc. More so since we retuned to NZ…. Hugs lovely xxx

    • It seems to be much more common than I realised, which makes me feel a bit better, knowing I’m not feeling this alone. Thing is, we are all smart enough to see what we’re doing, but because everyone else seems to be fine, we think it’s just us. Hugs back to you, sweet lady xx

      On 4 August 2014 15:05, Tall, Short, Tiny & a Pickle wrote:

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  4. Love your thoughts! Especially:
    I re-play conversations in my head, wondering if I said the wrong thing, or interrupted too often, or said too much.

    I pretty much do that every day!!!! But I probably need to! xxxx
    big hug from someone who thinks of you as a thoughtful, dedicated, loving mother with a kick ass bod and amazing cooking skills xx

  5. Well I’m glad you don’t feel like that all the time! I have those feelings too, mostly about career choices. It’s mainly a comparison thing, it’s the thief of joy you know! πŸ˜‰ Spring is on the way! xx

    • Spring IS on the way – I noticed the first daffodils starting to bloom in our garden today! I think that knowing I don’t feel like this all the time makes it easier to admit and tolerate, because I know it’ll pass xx

      On 4 August 2014 18:51, Tall, Short, Tiny & a Pickle wrote:

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  6. Wow it must be the time of year eh? I’ve talked to two people in this last week that feel like this (as well as me). I feel like I need a huge change and start to hate my appearance and want to drastically change it. I’ve bought hair dye cos this exact time last year I cut my hair short and regretted it hard! Sigh. It’s nice hearing others can feel poo too. But I do blame social media a bit too. If we didn’t have access to everyone’s ‘best bits’ that they share online (cos lets face it, things are styled, eliminated and catered to the image we want to portray on Instagram and the like). And when we are bombarded with all these images of other peoples awesomeness it’s hard not to compare and compare in a negative way. I wish I had that, I wish I looked like that, why can’t I shop and spend like that, why can’t I be confident like her or look like them or parent like that other mum. More sighing. I’m trying to push through and I know that I too am enough but I don’t feel like it right now AT ALL. This phase can be over now please and on the mean time I might take my own advice and stop watching and worrying about what everyone else has or is doing and focus on me and my family. Hiding away on a tropical island would be so good right now! Join me for cocktails???? Xx

    • Cocktails and a tropical island?! YES PLEASE!! I’ve discovered a lot of people feel like this too, and I’ve been surprised to find that some of the ones I compare myself to also feel inadequate. Absolutely 100% agree re: social media and comparing ourselves to the perfection we see online – when we know it’s all styled, airbrushed best bits, why do we still try and live up to that?! I’ve been needing to make a hair appointment for a long time now…maybe I should heed your read-between-the-lines advice and wait until this fog of self-doubt lifts, otherwise I’ll end up doing something I regret! Can’t wait to see your new colour xx And as for the conversation thing – I know!! It’s so silly, right?!

      On 5 August 2014 06:58, Tall, Short, Tiny & a Pickle wrote:

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  7. You’ve seen by now you’re not alone! I think those meany feelings and hormones creep up on all of us one time or another, and sometimes a bit too often. I honestly think (for me anyways) it helps to acknowledge that they are just that – feelings and thoughts and fleeting – not real and not based on anything concrete. Of course being logic and trying to figure things out rationally helps for nothing half the time… oh the joys of being female sometimes eh? This will pass, soon you’ll see more sun and feel a million bucks… knowing that it will go soon enough helps (me anyways πŸ˜‰ ) You’re a great gal, hang in there, the sun will come out…tomorrow! xx

  8. Pingback: Random Thoughts on Thursday | Tall, Short, Tiny & a Pickle

  9. just read this. You know i am only around the corner (literally) for a cup of tea and a hug. Love you hugely special friend xoxox

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