(Disclaimer: this isn’t a cry for validation or platitudes, it’s merely a musing on something I’ve noticed about myself over the past few years)
Every year at this time, a feeling of maudlin insecurity creeps into my mind. I begin to feel that greedy monster called Comparison unpack his bags, and his friends Insecurity and Self-Doubt start to make regular house calls. I like to think of August as my month of throwing Pity-Parties-For-One.
I start to question everything. I wonder whether I am a good mother, or a good wife. I wonder where I fit with my friends. I wish I was as thin as one, or as fit as another, or as pretty, or as friendly, or as smart, or as fun. I feel envious, and unsure of my place.
I feel nostalgic, and wonder what life would have been like if we’d stayed living in London. I feel regret for things I did or didn’t do when I was younger, especially around my choice of study. I’m insecure about everything, and I re-play conversations in my head, wondering if I said the wrong thing, or interrupted too often, or said too much. I long for things I used to have, or wish I had; material things, as well as things like daffodils, perfect vision, a tan.I know I do it, and I know why I do it. I’m tired. I’m over winter, and it’s almost my birthday. I know that these feelings will subside in a short space of time and that I’m being self-indulgent, but I allow myself to wallow in this self-pity for a bit, because I know that in all reality, I AM enough. I know that comparison is unnecessary, unhealthy, and unhelpful, and so I give myself a mental slap on the face and after a while, that monster and his friends pack quietly and go, threatening to return in a year’s time.
Does anyone else feel this way as their birthday approaches, or is it just me?